Page 62 - Flathead Beacon // 4.30.14

62 | APRIL 30, 2014
SPORTS
FLATHEADBEACON.COM

LURCHING FROM ONE
NEAR DISASTER TO ANOTHER. Warren Miller

The Imperfect Flight Attendant

T
HE VOICE OF THE FLIGHT AT- rectly over your head.
tendant came over the loudspeak- “If you are riding in irst class, for

ers precisely as the textbook said lunch you will be served our famous
it should.
zucchini lasagna, macaroni and cheese
I was instinctively blocking out the casserole with an extra slice of our new
safety message of, “If we experience a 19-grain bread. We will also be serv-
water landing the seat cushions can act ing all of the free vintage wine you can
as a lotation device.” It was not easy to drink and still get of of the plane with-
bend my large frame into the design of out wheelchair help. We will be serving

a coach airline seat on the light from the wine from our new biodegradable
Ames, Iowa to Pueblo, Colorado, and I cartons.
couldn’t imagine how we’d have a water “If you are stuck in the cheap back
Beneitting the Mary Kay Foundation
landing on that route.
seats we will be serving a bologna sand-
I have been lying on commercial air- wich with a glass of supposed mountain
lines since my irst trip in 1945 in a 24- spring water from a mountain some-
hour light from Miami to San Francisco. where in Arizona.
It would be hard to calculate how many “Wine, gin, whiskey, and bourbon are

times I had heard the same voice trying all free for you lucky folks up front. For
to convince me that it really was safe way you cheapskates in the back, once again
up there in the clouds.
we have free water; alcoholic beverages
For years I have wished I could re- are ive dollars a pop.
write that safety speech so that it was “Since this plane is now going to be
at least entertaining. No matter how late because of the ire in our No. 3 en-
grumpy I was on a late light on the gine many of you will be missing your

Registration: 8-9am $15 mk 5k
scheduled airline stuck at 38,000 feet, connections. I don’t know the arrival
One Mile Fun Run/Walk: 9am $5 One Mile Fun Run my rewrite would sound less intimidat- gate of our light or where the bulletin
(Entry forms available at ing and scary.
board is located so good luck on making
5K Run/Walk: 9:30am Imagine my surprise when we were a reservation to wherever you were plan-
Awards/Rafle Prizes: 11am
Kalispell Grand Hotel. getting ready to taxi to the takeof spot ning on going.
Drop off entry forms or when “Grace Goodenough” turned on “You didn’t know about that little ire
bring on race day.)
the microphone. She made it sound like in the engine did you? I think the captain
Have you
or in
open mic at the local Comedy Club:
faked you out with that little story about

“Will the people sitting on the aisle clear air turbulence when he was just for at least 6 months,
please pull their elbows and shoulders playing with the controls.
lived, worked played
in so the captain can see to back up the “Please stay seated with your seat
airplane.
belts on until the plane has come to a Libby, Montana
“For all take ofs and landings will complete stop at the gate and the seat If so, you may be eligible for a free
you make sure your tray tables are put belt sign has been turned of. We don’t AT LEAST 10 YEARS AGO?
away and your seatbacks are in the up- want you to fall down and sue us. Espe-
right and most uncomfortable position.
cially after all of that free booze we gave
“In the event of a water landing you while in light.
(crash) anywhere while en route be sure “Now that we are inally safely on the Asbestos
to study the 23-page safety instruction ground I want to welcome you to, where
booklet that is somewhere in the seat are we Captain? Oh Yes. You think we are
pocket in front of you. Study it carefully in Colorado somewhere. That’s ine with
so you can put on your seat cushion with- me we are safe and as you open the over-
out disturbing your neighbor.
head luggage compartments be careful Health Screening

“In the unlikely event of a sudden because shift happens.”
loss in cabin pressure due to some kid
opening an outside door, oxygen masks This column was originally published
will fall out from the roof, which is di-
in 2012.
For more information, please call toll free

1-855-891-CARD(2273)

or visit us online at www.libbyasbestos.org

Caring Pathways to Treatment

screening grant funded by the CDC