Have you ever wished you had free, no consequence, verbal-sucker-punch-power? You know, the opportunity to say what you really think to that skinny white kid walking around the suburban mall dressed in baggy pants sagging around his knees, a white tank top and an array of gold chains? Or a chance to tell your sister what you really think about her boyfriend?
Well, here’s your chance: McSweeney’s “Open Letters To People Or Entities Who Are Unlikely To Respond.” A chance for people to release everything from their unrequited love for Taco Bell’s crunchwrap to hatred for the birds nesting in their air conditioner.
I thought I’d give McSweeney’s therapy a try…
An Open Letter to the Middle-Aged Women Bragging in Line at Costco About Spending Thousands of Dollars on Their Purses
Dear Coach Purse Carriers:
Forgive me for listening in on your conversation yesterday. As you stood in line in front of me at Costco – land of free samples, 3,000-calorie muffins and giant boxes of fruit snacks – I couldn’t help but overhear (as you were talking quite loudly and gesturing wildly) the two of you comparing your purses.
There you were in front of me, dressed in your Sunday shopping clothes: designer jeans, high heels and North Face down, complete with your Coach purses. Woman One: “I know Tom (presumably your husband judging by the rock that makes your left ring finger hang limply below its neighboring digits) will be upset when he gets the credit card bill, but how could I resist this color (the same color a blue raspberry sucker turns a kids tongue)? Really, I think it was a steal at $1,200. I mean it’s real python. (No, it’s not. It’s python printed leather. I checked online. It’s cow.) Woman Two: “Oh, Joe doesn’t mind how much I spend. He bought me this purse just because (re: Just because I wouldn’t stop complaining). It was $1,600.” (Either you’re lying or he’s lying. Or he got ripped off. That purse, with its confusing pattern of tangled “C’s”, retails around $500).
Allow me this: What do your purses contain that’s so valuable it merits such an expensive holder? In your 15-minute foray at the checkout counter, I glimpsed many of its contents – wet wipes, tampons, used Kleenex (Eww), seven different shades of lip gloss (And, you chose to wear the metallic silver one?), face powder, four bottles of nail polish, and at least eight credit cards – but nothing worthy of a $1,200 or even $500 satchel. I mean people climbing Mount Everest spend less on their backpacks, and those contain, well, oxygen. Food. Light. Heat. You know, essentials.
You know, I think McSweeney’s is on to something. I feel better already.
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