‘Tis the Season…of Bad Music

By Beacon Staff

First and foremost: On a totally unrelated note, today is my little sister’s 16th birthday. Happy Birthday, Katelynn!

I woke up this morning to snowflakes and a light, fluffy dusting over my deck, trees and grass. I, for one, am excited to see it’s finally snowing – if not only because my boyfriend may finally stop whining about the ski pass he fears he’ll never get to use. Each year, once cold weather has done away with the colors of fall, casting an apocalyptic grey over everything, I welcome snow: If it’s going to be cold and everything is going to be dead, it may as well be coated in white.

And snow does significantly more to put me in the holiday spirit than Christmas songs blaring in stores or over the radio. In fact, in the case of Christmas music, I’m admittedly a bit of a grinch. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas – I enjoy it as much as the next person, maybe more as my birthday falls on Christmas Eve giving me another reason to celebrate – but listening to bad Christmas music is one of my least favorite holiday activities. And if you’ve been to any of the box stores on the northern end of Kalispell, you know there’s a lot of it being played.

I’ve never understood why there’s such a division between Christmas tunes. I mean it’s either good or really, really bad. You’d think such a beloved holiday would inspire better melodies and lyrics.

So here’s my go at listing some of the worst Christmas music out there. It’s totally random and strictly my opinion (and that of some of my coworkers), so feel free to disagree with any or all of the choices, or remind me of any I’ve forgotten.

“Jingle Bells” by The Singing Dogs
There’s so many things I hate about this song it’s hard to pick just one. It’s not just one song either, there’s an entire, 40-minute album of barking dogs. And it sparked a Jingle Cats spin-off. Why would anyone equate barking dogs with holiday cheer?

“Christmas Shoes” by Newsong
This song is on every single “bad Christmas list” in existence. It’s about a young, poor kid scraping up enough money to buy his mom shoes for Christmas. Okay, that could be kind of sweet in the giving-Christmas-spirit sort of way. But then they went too far: The mom is dying…on Christmas Eve…and her son wants her to have pretty shoes when she meets Jesus in heaven. Quite possibly the most depressing Christmas song EVER.

“Little Drummer Boy” by Jessica & Ashlee Simpson
No cheap shots here. I’m just going to say I don’t like it, and link to a live show.

“Twelve Days of Christmas” by anyone
Reporter Dan Testa describes this song’s repetitive lyrics as “headache-inducing.” The song just goes on, and on, and on, and on. And the gifts are just bizarre. I’m not sure what will make my Christmas wish list, but I can guarantee “eight maids a-milking” and “four calling birds” won’t be on it. Five golden rings though…

“Christmas Time” by The Backstreet Boys
I can’t tell what’s more annoying in this video: the song or all the teenage girls screaming.

“Santa Baby” by Everclear or Madonna
Not a song for a guy to sing. It even freaks me out when a woman sings it. However, I do like the artistic figure skating these guys coupled with the saucy tune.

I’m sure there are dozens of other songs that could make this list, but I can’t handle any more of them. I’ll leave it up to you to continue the “research” this time.