Terrible Sports Christmas Presents

By Beacon Staff

If you’re looking for a last-second Christmas present for that sports fan in your life, www.faniq.com can help with choosing what not to buy. The Web site released a top 12 countdown of the worst sports gifts available, though I believe there are many other worthy candidates that didn’t make the list. “Fatheads” come to mind. I can’t imagine a circumstance in which anyone in my family asks for a life-size cutout of Peyton Manning.

The No. 1 present on the list is a 7-foot blowup doll of NBA power forward Ben Wallace, also known as an “inflatable defender” or a “Ben Wallace basketball training aid.” Call it what you want, but don’t call it a gift. It’s disturbing. Not to mention it’s terribly impractical. It doesn’t move and it really only serves to frighten children, not help their mid-range jumper.

Even more terrifying for these kids is that the gargantuan Wallace is sporting his Shaft-style afro. You’ll ruin their hoop dreams forever by blowing this thing up in the driveway.

I don’t know why we’re bent on creating life-size representations of our favorite athletes. Fatheads are advertised as “life-size, durable, precision-cut vinyl graphics…powerful.” Okay. But let me reiterate that they’re called Fatheads. Furthermore, they cost $100. I’m a bad gift shopper, but not this bad.

Though Fatheads wasn’t on the FanIQ list, a number of other solid choices were included. They needn’t all be life-sized replicas of human beings. One of my favorites is the bowling ball flash drive, apparently a 14-pound way to transport digital information. Another good one, only coming in at No. 10 on the list, is dill-flavored pickle juice sponsored by Dallas Cowboys’ tight end Jason Witten.

That’s just a sampling of the gift ideas that exist out there in the “Wide, Wide World of Sports.” If you’ve already purchased any of these gifts for your loved one, I meant no offense. If you’re considering buying one of these things, maybe you’ll think twice. It doesn’t matter how you look at it, a bottle of pickle juice is never a good stocking stuffer.