WARREN’S WORLD: The Many Myths of Aging

By Beacon Staff

The following are just a few of the “perceived myths of aging” that I have discovered as I have aged:

I have been told ever since I was a little kid, “Just wait until you are a little bit older and you will understand.” Well, now I am a little bit older and I still don’t understand.

No one has ever been able to explain to me where the white goes when the snow melts.

Why can you be dragging your fishing line through the same water as the other boats around you and all of the fish prefer their hooks instead of yours?

Why is the weather always better the week before or the week after you take your week vacation at The Linger Longer Lodge?

Why is it that no matter how far in advance you make your hotel reservations you always get a room with a view of the trash disposal bins and the trash truck always picks it up at 5:30 a.m.?

You have been told for years that the second half of your life will be a lot better than the first half and now that your second half is here you can’t find the people who told you the second half would be better.

When you are halfway to your grave you finally understand the saying, “that gravity causes aging,” as you look at your accumulation of sagging body parts.

It takes a lot of years to finally figure out that everything that you do is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. However, some people do get married twice.

Aging on the inside gets smoother as aging on the outside gets more wrinkly and saggy.

When you reach a certain age you will realize that birthdays are a lot better than the alternative.

How many years is it between when you qualify for senior citizen discounts and when you realize that no matter how young you think you look, you might as well ask for them?

One morning you wake up and realize that your life is beyond the halfway point and wonder how much of the first half you wasted doing inconsequential things.

Why not do it now because now is better, not later?

You are an evolutionary exception, but who and what did you evolve from?

How old would you be if you didn’t know when you were born?

How old will you be when you finally realize that if you don’t do it this year you will be one year older when you do?

Being a 14-year-old kid trapped in a senior citizen’s body is a lot better than the other way around.

There have been 1,000 books written about aging, but none on how to accept the inevitability of aging.

Keep learning new stuff everyday because you already know all of the old stuff.

If you can’t tell whether the glass is half full or half empty look at it as three quarters and then you don’t have to decide.

When I moved to Montana for the winter I discovered that when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Never ruin a good story with the absolute truth. (My wife accuses me of this all the time!)

I can’t remember the last time that I wasn’t at least somewhat tired.

When your wife gives you a new shirt with a label that says, “do not wash or tumble dry” you know you will never wear it.

Wrong decisions always make the best stories.

Never ever, ever make a smart remark to the body searchers and shoe inspectors at the airport.

The most important thing to do when you get to the airport is to write the number of your parking place on your parking ticket.

It’s an awful feeling to be in the middle of an argument and realize that you are dead wrong.

No one, not even my wife, has ever been able to figure out how to fold a fitted sheet.

There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one of them work.

It is really expensive to be rich.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try sky diving.

Some days you are the pigeon and some days you are the statue.

Time is what keeps everything from happening.

I’ll cross that bridge when they build it.

If God had meant me to touch my toes without bending my knees he would have attached them closer to my hands.

Indecision is the ultimate key to flexibility.

Now, I need to find out if I can live by these!

Stay Connected with the Daily Roundup.

Sign up for our newsletter and get the best of the Beacon delivered every day to your inbox.