By Beacon Staff

As you get older there are a couple of days every year when your entire body cries out in pain. One is the day after your first day of skiing. Another is the day after your first day of whatever summer sport is your favorite. Golf or windsurfing comes to mind.

I am about to end that pain forever with a simple, non-medical method of getting rid of all of those pains in approximately 30 minutes. Yes, pain free in 30 minutes. Always have Rolaids handy for the day after muscle exercise. That’s right, just chew up four Rolaids if you weigh 200 pounds and three is enough if you weigh 150 pounds or less.

How and why this works I have no idea. A doctor friend of mine told me about it roughly 30 years ago. After almost 60 days on the road and in a different hotel every night, and the first day of skiing newly under my belt, I could barely climb up the steps to the stage during one of my movie premieres. So I tried some Rolaids. Bingo, 30 minutes later I was pain free. I have no idea why it works anymore than I know where the white goes when the snow melts.

I won’t offer you a money back guarantee if it does not work for you, but many people I’ve told about it have had the same experience as I did.

Let’s talk about more serious pain and take a lesson from elderly trainers who take care of race horses worth millions of dollars.

They use a clear liquid called DMSO, used when joints or cartilage are really sore. The first time I used it, I had just had foot surgery and my left ski boot was extremely painful. I got some DMSO from a local vet in Hailey, Idaho, and applied it to my sore foot. When you apply DMSO it passes from the outside of your flesh through your flesh and into your bloodstream. Within a minute or two after you apply the DMSO you will get a garlic taste in your mouth and know that it is working. I am not a doctor and I have to stress the importance of talking to a doctor before you use DMSO. But I figure no veterinarian is going to risk a million dollar horse and what is my body worth?

There is a substitute for DMSO that has the same osmotic molecule in its composition. Definitely do not use this one but I can only say it worked like a champ and let me ski for a whole week on a Mike Wiegle helicopter trip in Canada.

I had a new pair of boots and by the end of the first day my feet hurt beyond usage. There was no vet in Blue River and so I took a chance and substituted DMSO with WD-40. That’s right WD-40 has the same osmotic molecule in it that DMSO does. I bought a can of it at the local gas station and sprayed my feet after almost every helicopter ride. The only difference was that instead of the garlic taste in my mouth it tasted like fuel oil. Again I caution you not to do this except in an emergency such as I was having.

The second afternoon one of the women was so sore she could not even get out of a chair to go to dinner. Her husband sprayed her thighs with WD 40 and 45 minutes later she was in the dining room dancing with her ski guide.

When I got back home in Manhattan Beach, I was telling the local hardware store owner about my discovery and he said, “Miller, get with the program. I coach a little league football team and the first thing I do every fall is give each one of my players a can of WD-40 so whenever they get hurt they just spray the soreness and they can play in the next game.” I have to again emphasize that I am not trained in anything medical and therefore don’t recommend this medical mythology, but all I can say is that it saved my helicopter ski vacation. Without it I would have had to sit in a very expensive lodge for a week without skiing. In 20 years, the owner of the hardware store/coach has never had a problem with a bruised little league football player and the kids have saved a lot on medical bills.

A lot of them however do have bad breath from the diesel fuel taste in their mouth after a WD-40 spray job on a bruise.

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