Crime is no laughing matter.
Like any community, the Flathead Valley has more than its fair share of criminal issues: drug use, property crime, and sometimes even worse. Every day, the valley’s law enforcement agencies deal with serious crimes that have serious impacts.
But every once in awhile, a call comes through dispatch that can only be described as bizarre, such as a roommate eating their soup a little too loud or a fight that broke out because of the 1989 classic “The Little Mermaid.”
Here are some of the most bizarre and hilarious blotter items that ran in the Beacon in 2018. We hope you enjoy. – Justin Franz
January 8, 8:29 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because his “roommate won’t shut up.”
January 9, 4:23 p.m. A Kalispell woman called 911 because her daughter was “high on drugs” and refused to visit grandma.
January 9, 7:15 p.m. A driver ran a stop sign right in front of a Whitefish Mountain Resort security guard. The driver almost got away with the minor traffic crime except he immediately got his truck stuck in a snow bank.
January 10, 12:35 p.m. A chicken was wandering around a local parking lot and a crowd of spectators was gathering to see what it would do next.
January 11, 2:45 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because his wife and kids were missing. Making matters worse, his house had been ransacked and “there was oatmeal all over the place.” Eventually the man found his family. What caused the oatmeal mess remains a mystery.
January 18, 4:21 a.m. Jeff was freaking out.
January 21, 6:50 p.m. Someone was almost shot because of a hug. Meth was involved.
January 23, 9:14 a.m. Visitors from Southern California got their car stuck in the snow.
January 23, 3:53 p.m. A Florida man called Flathead County authorities because he received an enormous electrical bill for his cabin in Whitefish. He believed someone was illegally living in the cabin and wanted the cops to check it out. Law enforcement went to the man’s property but couldn’t find a cabin. The Florida man said he’d deal with it in the spring.
January 23, 10:46 p.m. Four or five people piled out of a minivan in Olney and got into a fistfight.
January 28, 8:46 a.m. A Kalispell man called 911 to give law enforcement a “heads up” about “upcoming drama” with his ex-girlfriend. At the center of the drama was a canceled vacation to Hawaii.
January 28, 8:57 a.m. Jared pocket-dialed 911 while shredding the gnar at Whitefish Mountain Resort.
January 29, 3:14 p.m. A Kalispell father could not get his kids to come out of their bedroom so he took a can of bear spray and fired it under the door to smoke them out. The man had reportedly been drinking.
February 2, 5:57 p.m. Someone in a Mickey Mouse jacket got into a fight.
February 9, 1:59 p.m. A car was stuck on one of Kalispell’s many snow berms.
February 10, 10:59 a.m. Some Facebook drama was reported.
February 13, 4:47 p.m. A Canadian man was renting a party bus to travel to Whitefish and wanted to know if it was cool if they had a few road sodas on the way. The man added he did not want to do anything illegal.
February 14, 5:43 p.m. A Columbia Falls woman stole beer and beef jerky from a local gas station for her Valentine’s Day date.
February 15, 8:57 p.m. A Kalispell man called police to let them know that if they got any noise complaints from his address that everything was cool.
February 22, 12:04 a.m. A Lakeside resident woke up to find a drunk guy running around on his porch.
February 25, 8:09 a.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 to report that “eight different children I raised have been murdered and replaced with eight other children.” The dispatcher noted that not a lot about the conversation made sense.
February 26, 8:20 a.m. Someone complained that a Lakeside bartender was letting her regulars fire guns.
February 26, 10:09 a.m. A Bigfork resident reported two dead llamas and a hog in her neighborhood. She wanted to remain anonymous.
February 26, 5:25 p.m. Someone got head-butted at Buffalo Wild Wings.
March 7, 2:30 p.m. A Kalispell resident was worried about her neighbor’s pig named Pig. Apparently, Pig has not left his little pig house in a number of days.
March 11, 9:09 p.m. Eighteen hours after daylight saving time a Kalispell man was still very confused about what had happened.
March 18, 5:09 p.m. A Kalispell woman called 911 because the ancestry DNA kit she purchased online did not work. She was asked if she had called the customer service department at the company she purchased the kit from. She had not.
March 20, 10:25 a.m. A Kalispell man said someone he did not know sent him a message on Facebook asking for $2,000. The man obviously sent the money but now is thinking that wasn’t a smart idea and that he might have been the victim of a scam.
March 20, 4:08 p.m. A Kalispell resident reported finding a Craigslist ad “calling for all clowns to rise up” and meet at Woodland Park later that day. The “clowns” were also advised to “bring your tools.”
March 21, 1:02 a.m. Some “baby daddy” drama was reported in Kalispell.
April 10, 9:10 a.m. A dog attacked a deer in a Whitefish backyard. The owner of the dog called 911 to ask that they put the deer out of its misery but partway through the call announced that it looked as if the deer might pull through.
April 10, 11:08 a.m. Kalispell residents found a briefcase and spike strips. Law enforcement swung by to pick up their forgotten spike stripes. It’s unclear what happened to the briefcase.
April 11, 4:35 p.m. A Kalispell man reported that four men approached him and tried to sell him the tools they had just stolen from him.
April 16, 12:34 p.m. A Bigfork man was upset that the U.S. Postal Service had not delivered his mail for three months. Upon further investigation, it turned out the post office just didn’t have any mail for the guy.
April 18, 12:33 p.m. A Somers woman was angry that her roommate was loudly eating soup in the middle of the night, so she walked over to him and dumped soap in the man’s soup. The man threw his bowl of soapy soup at the woman. Law enforcement responded to the scene, but both people decided not to press charges against the other, admitting that things may had gotten out of hand.
May 6, 1:46 a.m. An intoxicated man stood at a crosswalk in Columbia Falls and kept pushing the “walk” button for over an hour.
May 13, 2:33 a.m. A Kalispell man heard a commotion outside his home involving a number of ducks and geese. When he emerged to see what was happening he found a mountain lion on his roof. He quickly returned to the safety of his home and called 911.
May 21, 1:59 p.m. A Kila resident reported that “Bruce and his friends” were stockpiling explosives and doing some “real Project 7 type stuff,” a reference to an anti-government paramilitary group that declared war on the sheriff’s office in the early 2000s.
May 21, 4:29 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because he had “an emergency” and he needed some “lady cops” to respond immediately.
May 23, 8:38 a.m. A Bigfork resident called 911 because their breakfast burst into flames in their microwave. The microwave appeared to be undamaged but the breakfast was a total loss.
May 23, 9:10 a.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because five or six cows just showed up in his front yard. He said it was OK for them to hang out there for a bit, just figured he should let someone know in case anyone is looking for the animals.
June 7, 4:22 p.m. A Lakeside man called 911 to share some thoughts about the “annoying rooster” he lives next to.
June 10, 10:17 p.m. A Hungry Horse man was worried about a kitten with its head stuck in a can.
June 14, 4:56 p.m. A Kalispell man was frustrated that he could not take his “trash” to the county dump. Upon further review, the man was trying to throw out an entire motorhome.
June 21, 8:36 a.m. A turtle was trying to cross the road.
June 21, 4:38 p.m. A new businessman called 911 because a competitor keeps calling and screaming, “This my valley!” in an apparent attempt to intimidate the man and prevent him from opening his new store.
June 24, 4:19 p.m. Two people were fighting with each other in Kalispell. At one point, one of the people started throwing knives at the other person. The fight ended with someone flipping a couch.
June 24, 9:31 p.m. A Kalispell man complained about the youths and their “crotch rockets.”
June 6, 5:07 p.m. A drunken Kalispell woman called 911 and yelled about her stolen trailer. She was reminded, for the fifth time that day, that her trailer had not been stolen and to only call if there was an emergency.
June 28, 9:57 p.m. A train-hopping transient called 911 because he apparently got off the train in the middle of nowhere and started walking but now his feet are covered in blisters and he wants someone to give him a ride back to civilization.
June 28, 11:27 p.m. Two people sustained minor injuries during a fight over the 1989 Walt Disney Pictures classic “The Little Mermaid.”
July 1, 8:37 a.m. A Columbia Falls man called to complain that his neighbor has been shooting fireworks off at an excessive rate, some of which are bouncing off the house.
July 1, 11:08 p.m. Youths were lighting off fireworks right next to a “no fireworks” sign.
July 4, 5:17 p.m. Dispatch heard singing and chants of “chug, chug, chug” on an accidental 911 call.
July 4, 8:18 p.m. A woman called to report that her party’s boat was busted and they couldn’t get to shore, and that everyone on the boat was drunk.
July 4, 11:28 p.m. The Dam Town Tavern was visited by a man looking for a fight. With anyone.
July 15, 6:40 a.m. A shoeless woman and a man “who looked like he had had a rough night” flagged down a passing driver to ask for jumper cables.
July 15, 6:09 p.m. A 12-year-old redhead was wandering Kalispell with a “massive bottle of vodka” and some McDonald’s.
July 25, 2:56 p.m. A Kalispell woman reported that a “disheveled” couple was standing in front of her house with a bucket and a sponge. The woman saw the man point at her cat and tell the woman next to him, “Hey hon, there’s a cat. You want a cat?” The caller said she then promptly went outside to get her cat and when she did the pair asked if they could wash her windows.
July 29, 12:56 a.m. A Kalispell woman reported that she was “scared to death that she would be attacked by the invisible aliens.” The dispatcher asked if the woman was under the influence of any drugs or alcohol and she said that she was not. However, later in the conversation she mentioned that she had just done meth.
August 1, 11:09 a.m. A Kalispell woman called 911 to ask if there was any correlation between the amount of junk mail she’s been getting and her computer crashing. She thinks “bitcoin” has something to do with it.
August 2, 6:29 p.m. A Kalispell woman reported that her friend was drunk and “getting out of hand.” In the middle of the call, the reporting party screamed at the drunk friend, “Look, I don’t want them to arrest you. I just want them to take you away from me.”
August 8, 6:46 a.m. Two cows — a small one and a big one — were reportedly on the loose in Whitefish. Farmer Joe, the owner of the cows, wanted help getting them back.
August 8, 4:59 p.m. A local man promised to deliver “Montana justice” on his enemies.
August 12, 1:24 p.m. A plume of smoke was reported in the mountains. It was the first of many.
August 12, 7:39 p.m. Three people were fighting in Bigfork, one of whom was a “sneaky liar” with a “sinister spirit.” The fight was apparently so intense that no one felt safe going to sleep. Also, everyone was armed.
August 19, 7:09 a.m. Two guys, one with his eye swollen shut, were sitting in a broken-down RV.
August 23, 5:51 p.m. A Kalispell woman discovered a naked man laying facedown in her front lawn. She didn’t know who he was and said that his “bare butt is showing.” He twitched every once in awhile, too. Some “fecal matter” was discovered nearby.
September 6, 1:05 p.m. A Kalispell man reported that he’s sick and tired of people turning around in his driveway and that he planned to set up a spike strip in front of his house. He was advised he could do what he wants, although the dispatcher suggested that a sign announcing the presence of the spike strips would be a nice touch.
September 16, 2:12 p.m. For the second day in a row, a Lakeside deer got trapped in the net of a soccer goal.
September 16, 2:17 p.m. A Bigfork man wanted to give the cops a heads up about his gun shooting party. The man said he knew his next-door neighbors were going to complain about a large gathering of people shooting guns on a Sunday night.
September 16, 7:10 p.m. A man hiking near Lakeside butt-dialed 911. When dispatch picked up they asked if the man was OK. He said he was fine although he noted he had no idea where he was. When dispatch offered to send help the man said that he didn’t think he was in any danger and would figure it out himself.
September 18, 8:31 a.m. A Kalispell cat was reportedly stuck on the top of a telephone pole. The electric company said they were too busy to help the cat get down, but a sheriff’s deputy said he’d swing by later to check on it. Someone also left some food at the bottom of the pole to encourage it to come back down.
September 23, 7:23 a.m. A Bigfork couple’s marriage of just 48 hours went south when the groom apparently drove off with the couple’s U-Haul full of belongings never to be seen again.
September 27, 3:08 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because his neighbor’s cows were drinking out of his cows’ water trough.
October 4, 10:08 a.m. A Kalispell mother called police in a panic because she had not heard from her daughter in two months. Law enforcement tracked down the daughter and found that she was alive and well. The daughter reported that she was trying to keep her distance from her mother to avoid some recent drama and just didn’t want to waste cell phone minutes calling her.
October 11, 10:25 a.m. A Columbia Falls man was innocently lying naked on his couch when his “nosy neighbor” walked into his house.
October 11, 11 a.m. A Marion resident said a man named Randy had just crawled into his house via the dog door.
October 31, 8:01 a.m. A Kalispell woman called 911 because a man was messing all her stuff up. The dispatcher reported hearing back and forth screaming and then the man grabbed the phone and said, “I’m not here.” The woman than grabbed the phone and said, “We don’t need the authorities.”
October 31, 1:33 p.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 because someone stole their Elvis Presley blanket worth an estimated $200. They were very upset.
November 22, 2:45 p.m. A Libby man called 911 asking that police do something about all the grizzly bears on his lawn. The man called back a little later to report that he’s been running a fever for the last few days and he “might be seeing things.”
November 27, 10:24 a.m. A Kalispell woman called 911 to “report some gossip.”