Crime is no laughing matter.
Like any community, the Flathead Valley has more than its fair share of criminal issues: drug use, property crime, and sometimes even worse. Every day, the valley’s law enforcement agencies deal with serious crimes that have serious impacts.
But every once in a while, a call comes through dispatch that can only be described as bizarre, such as a man who wants to live in the igloo he built on the slopes of Big Mountain or someone who called to report that they “felt like an octopus” that day.
Here are some of the most bizarre and hilarious blotter items that ran in the Beacon in 2019. We hope you enjoy. – Justin Franz
Jan. 4, 8:44 p.m. Someone threw a snowball in Kalispell.
Jan. 11, 9:30 a.m. A Kila resident reported finding blood and footprints around his house. He was understandably concerned about his discovery.
Jan. 16, 2:04 p.m. A Kalispell resident reported that her neighbor was not feeding their horses. The resident said that the animals — four or five normal-size horses and one miniature one — looked hungry.
Jan. 19, 5:52 p.m. A local parent was curious if it was a crime for his children not to follow his orders.
Jan. 24, 8:08 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 to report that he “felt like an octopus.” He then started singing Cher songs.
Jan. 28, 6:25 p.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 because people were screaming at his next-door neighbor’s house. Law enforcement showed up and found one man screaming at his television. The man apologized for disturbing the peace and explained that he “watches sports and sometimes gets excited.”
Jan. 30, 12:16 p.m. A moose was on the loose in a Libby neighborhood.
Feb. 3, 8:41 p.m. Someone was given a brownie with “something in it.”
Feb. 13, 6:05 p.m. A dog named “Clubber” was running up the middle of the street in a very stylish coat.
Feb. 14, 11:12 p.m. A Whitefish couple was screaming at each other on Valentine’s Day.
Feb. 24, 6:24 a.m. A Kalispell resident reported that a raccoon with its foot stuck in a trap keeps walking onto their property. The reporting party wanted to get some help for the animal.
Feb. 24, 1:54 p.m. A game warden was called out to shoot a deer that had been injured in a car accident. Unfortunately, the deer was just mobile enough to run away every time the warden approached. Because the warden couldn’t get close enough for a safe shot, he decided to “let nature take its course.”
Feb. 24, 9:16 p.m. Multiple vehicles got stuck in a snowdrift on Wishart Road in Columbia Falls. Officials said they were aware of the threat to public safety that the road posed and that county plow truck drivers would take care of it when they got to work the next day.
March 3, 1:14 a.m. A Bigfork man called 911 to report some problems with his “nemesis across the street.”
March 6, 10:42 p.m. A Kalispell man was “high as a kite and causing a ruckus.”
March 7, 4:34 p.m. A man at Whitefish Mountain Resort was upset that security had kicked him off the property because he was trying to build and reside in an igloo.
March 10, 10:15 a.m. A Columbia Falls man said his neighbor covered his car in “beans and cereal.” The man said that if a sheriff’s deputy didn’t show up soon he would “take things into my own hands.”
March 17, 9:49 a.m. A Kalispell woman reported that she had been poisoned by spies and generals hired by George W. Bush’s administration.
April 13, 12:48 p.m. A Kalispell man reported having a stomachache after smoking some bad weed.
April 14, 5:25 p.m. An area woman reported that her teenage son had just drunk dialed her.
April 16, 11:21 a.m. A Hungry Horse resident said someone was flipping her off every day. It was starting to hurt.
April 24, 8:27 p.m. “Grandma is having a temper tantrum.”
April 30, 5:13 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because he was sick and tired of his neighbors crossing his property and using his water. He said if the neighbors did it one more time “there was going to be a war.” Concerned about the threat, the dispatcher asked what exactly he meant by “war.” The caller said it was more likely going to be a war of words, but it would be a war nonetheless.
May 19, 11:59 p.m. A Whitefish resident called 911 because they heard squealing tires and then a crash outside. The resident advised law enforcement to get out there and see what had happened but added that they were too sleepy to look for themselves.
May 20, 5:51 a.m. A Libby man started his Monday by vomiting and passing out.
May 21, 7:39 a.m. A chicken owner called 911 because a dog was in their chicken coop. The owner of the chickens shooed away the dog and was on the phone with law enforcement as they checked the chickens for injuries.
May 21, 8:45 a.m. A dog owner called 911 because a man was kicking his canine. It was unclear if the kicker was seeking justice for his chickens.
June 8, 12:35 a.m. Someone was blowing up stuff down by the river.
June 15, 2:17 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 to complain that his upstairs neighbor was smoking meth. Apparently the upstairs resident was blowing his meth smoke out his window and it wafted downstairs, much to the displeasure of the reporting party.
June 20, 3:49 p.m. A Kalispell man was apparently too “fried” to ride the bus.
June 24, 3:33 p.m. First responders aided an elderly man vomiting on the side of the road. It turns out the man had a “bad breakfast burrito.” He was expected to survive.
June 28, 6:11 a.m. A man called the Kalispell Police Department asking if they could call the U.S. Secret Service because he had a problem that was way out of the local authorities’ league.
June 28, 8:32 a.m. A Kalispell business owner said a man walked up to his store and said he had just woken up in a field, had no idea how he got there, how long he had been there, what day it was, what time it was or where his bike was. The man asked to use the bathroom.
June 28, 2:55 p.m. Firefighters responded to what was initially reported as a house fire. Upon arrival firefighters learned that it was actually a toaster fire, the result of someone leaving his or her toast in the toaster a little bit too long. The house was not damaged. The toast itself was believed to be a total loss.
June 28, 6:48 p.m. A woman reported that she was sitting at a stoplight when a man pulled up alongside her vehicle and splashed her car with a large soda before throwing the empty container in the road. The woman said she did not want to press charges against the man. She just wanted to know why he threw his soda at her car.
July 4, 10:40 a.m. Someone called 911 because there was a drunken guy in the parade.
July 4, 10:16 p.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because his wife walked outside of their house and got hit in the face with a firework.
July 5, 12:01 a.m. A Kalispell man called 911 because something kept hitting the side of his house. It was fireworks.
July 12, 11:30 p.m. Someone called 911 to rave about the 1991 movie “Sleeping with the Enemy.”
July 13, 10:08 a.m. A Kalispell resident called 911 because she had read in the police blotter that law enforcement rescued a ferret and she was curious if she could have it. Police informed her that they did not keep the ferret.
July 13, 10:08 p.m. A sheriff’s deputy reported that he was on Tamarack Lane near Columbia Falls trying to help a cow find its way home.
July 26, 5:57 p.m. A “creepy guy” was playing guitar outside a Kalispell business.
July 28, 10:15 a.m. A Canadian man reported that he broke his windshield while driving through a construction zone while visiting the United States. He called to see if America could reimburse him for the damage.
Aug. 1, 2:38 p.m. A woman called 911 to report that another woman’s pet goose had bitten her son. According to the report, the goose’s owner had brought the bird down to a local pond so it could go for a swim when the animal attacked multiple children.
Aug. 11, 9:48 a.m. A Libby man called to report that his neighbor was shooting a tree. Turns out the neighbor was trying to shoot a squirrel out of a tree. Apparently, the guy isn’t very good shot.
Aug. 23, 10:57 a.m. A group of drunk guys were jumping in front of moving logging trucks.
Aug. 27, 1:23 p.m. A hotel owner wanted to leave a message with the local cold case unit. Apparently, he has some new information on the theft of a shower curtain a few years back.
Aug. 28, 8:05 p.m. A man allegedly lost his backpack while running from the cops a few days ago. Apparently, there was some stuff in there that he really needed so he called the cops to see if they had found it.
Aug. 29, 10:43 a.m. A Kalispell man threatened to fight the father of one of his son’s football teammates. He then suggested they resolve their conflict like men by having their two boys fight each other in the parking lot.
Sept. 22, 4:18 p.m. A Kalispell woman reported that her baby’s daddy showed up and “caused a scene.”
Sept. 23, 11:08 p.m. A Libby woman called police because the drunken guy she was giving a ride to decided to put her car into park while she was driving.
Sept. 27, 10:28 a.m. A Kalispell resident called to report that a poorly parked camper was blocking the sidewalk in his neighborhood. When asked how long the camper had been parked there, he said “a couple of years.”
Sept. 28, 2:46 a.m. A Kalispell man called 911 and screamed, “Someone stole my pickup truck!” As the man frantically described the stolen vehicle, he said, “never mind” after he realized that he parked it in a different spot than normal.
Oct. 25, 11:26 p.m. A police officer reported finding a man walking down the street with what appeared to be a stolen shopping cart. The officer confronted the man about where he got the shopping cart and the suspect immediately admitted to stealing it from a local grocery store. The officer slowly drove behind the man to ensure that he returned the shopping cart.
Nov. 1, 7:09 p.m. A “very hungry” Canadian at a local hotel was trying to order lasagna from room service but accidentally called 911.