Jan. 1, 11:42 a.m. Someone shot a firework inside a bank and while it wasn’t on fire, it was very smoky inside.
Jan. 2, 4:17 a.m. Some consensual but loud activity woke up a person’s cat. The owner asked officers to advise the noisy neighbors that “7 a.m. is noise-making time.”
Jan. 10, 9:38 a.m. A woman at a motel told the housekeepers she was immortal.
Jan. 11, 9:45 a.m. A caller was concerned that a low-flying Canadian goose was going to cause an accident.
Jan. 13, 8:40 p.m. After being pulled out of a ditch, a woman floored the gas pedal of her car while still attached to the tow truck.
Jan. 15, 10:04 p.m. A group that had spent 11 days in a hotel waiting for an Amtrak train was drinking a lot.
Jan. 31, 7:26 p.m. A concerned citizen thought a dog hanging out on the porch didn’t have enough porch space to stretch out.
Feb. 3, 10:52 a.m. Someone thought it was wrong that their neighbor was feeding old Christmas trees to their donkeys and horses.
Feb. 6, 2:01 a.m. A half-naked man who said he was “mucho drunk” drove a truck over the embankment.
Feb. 9, 11:54 a.m. A man with a bat was fighting a man with a butter knife.
Feb. 13, 11:20 a.m. Someone was having badger problems.
Feb. 13, 9:52 p.m. A distressed caller reported that the “commode is backed up.” A follow-up call assured dispatch that a plunger was en route.
Feb. 17, 4:30 p.m. A car did a U-turn, pulled into a gas station, pulled back onto the road going in the original direction, then did another U-turn.
Feb. 26, 1:35 p.m. Someone reported a woman repeatedly “digging her face into the ground,” but it turned out she was just attempting to nurse a frozen squirrel back to health.
March 2, 3:29 p.m. A man was rolling around in a pair of Heelys with a pistol in his hand but seemed nonthreatening.
March 12, 2:42 p.m. A woman wanted to file a report regarding suspicious behavior occurring outside her window. The suspicious behavior in question was someone singing the lyrics to “Ring of Fire.”
March 18, 9:50 a.m. A woman was huffing from a spray paint can when it blew up in her face and got pink paint all over her head.
March 20, 8:30 a.m. A caller heading to work reported seeing some juveniles “tweaked out in the alley.” One juvenile was chopping wood while another was smelling his skateboard.
March 30, 3:16 p.m. A man appeared to collapse in the middle of a field, but was just laying down to soak in the sunshine.
April 2, 1:24 a.m. A man was not in the mood for partying.
April 7, 4:18 p.m. Someone called 911 then advised that Kalispell law enforcement was “so hill-billy” they needed to go to a city to learn how to handle things.
April 8, 7:53 a.m. A man wanted to get rid of his wife’s goats and cats and wanted to know if the food bank would accept them.
April 15, 8:52 a.m. Someone wanted dispatch to stop Congress, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
April 18, 12:12 p.m. A member of a church donated the leftover Easter donuts to the police department.
April 22, 9:27 p.m. An intoxicated woman tried to defend her husband’s honor against a passing dog.
April 23, 6:45 a.m. A window cleaner sought advice after learning someone reported him as a “peeping Tom.”
April 29, 9:13 p.m. A passerby reported seeing a bonfire in a front yard that was “too close to a small child and a full-sized propane tank.”
April 30, 12:16 a.m. A man was concerned his wife had hired a hitman but couldn’t articulate why he suspected her.
May 1, 1:08 a.m. Someone’s garage door opened and closed of its own volition.
May 7, 9:14 a.m. Someone reported hearing a dog bark, then gunshots, and then no more barking.
May 8, 1:30 p.m. Several ducklings had fallen down a storm drain, leaving the mother duck in distress.
May 15, 10:45 a.m. A passing fire engine reported a man standing in his yard in his underwear. The man in question said he was just getting some sun since it finally seemed like winter was over.
May 20, 1:39 p.m. A man reported that his neighbor kept telling him to come over for intercourse as part of a sacrifice to “whatever she worships.”
May 21, 5:13 p.m. A woman driver stopped her truck, climbed through the shattered rear window into the bed of the pickup to grab a Bud Light, then got back in the cab and drove off.
May 23, 1:59 p.m. A person called 911 to say that the police officers currently with him were trying to “unofficially” arrest him and he wanted new ones.
May 30, 7:26 a.m. A nicely dressed man parked on private property and began digging in a nearby ditch, telling passersby that there was “gold here too.”
June 4, 9:28 a.m. A man wearing black pants was picking dandelions from the side of the road.
June 5, 1:34 a.m. Someone stole beer from a gas station, but left behind their keys and some mail by accident.
June 6, 9:01 a.m. A missing child, last seen wearing unicorn boots, was found in their parents’ car.
June 7, 3:17 a.m. A man reported there was a bear in the parking lot. He couldn’t see what type of bear it was, but he could smell it, which is how he knew it was a bear.
June 8, 6:58 p.m. A 73-year-old woman who suspected she was continuously being robbed told law enforcement she was rigging her back door with a shotgun so the next person to open it gets shot.
June 17, 6:37 p.m. A cat ran into a neighbor’s yard and the neighbor would not let the owner come get it. Law enforcement determined the cat was to remain in the neighbor’s yard “until it chooses to return home.”
June 24, 10:10 a.m. Someone stole a large hanging basket of flowers from a porch and left a petal trail behind them.
July 8, 10:35 a.m. A man who stopped traffic in order to help move a turtle out of the roadway was told not to do that again.
July 10, 4:15 p.m. A woman who was yelling that the birds sent her to talk about the Bible was chased out of a yard.
July 11, 3:33 p.m. A man was “at the end of his rope about his neighbor’s chickens.” He told dispatch that if the neighbors can’t keep their chickens from roaming, they would start disappearing.
July 12, 2 a.m. A black bear was treed in a backyard and the homeowner was concerned about her friend who was sleeping in a hammock beneath the tree. Law enforcement advised her to wake her friend and let her sleep inside.
July 16, 11:23 a.m. A woman was concerned about banging noises coming from upstairs, especially since the guests staying in the house had checked out several hours earlier. The caller was embarrassed when she figured out it was the dryer causing the ruckus.
July 19, 9:59 p.m. A caller who reported a wounded stray cat that needed to be put down was advised that law enforcement considers cats “free spirits” and can’t do anything about it.
July 22, 10:25 p.m. Approximately six shady street people were doing “felonious activities.”
July 27, 1:43 p.m. A caller reported their coworker was sitting in “a couple grapefruit sized puddles of blood.”
July 28, 9:10 p.m. A man lost all the hay bales off his truck but did not notice. Drivers behind him stopped and pulled all 20 hay bales out of the road and stacked them nicely on the sidewalk.
Aug. 1, 8:24 a.m. 2:04 p.m. The owner of a $1,200 Persian rug reported that it was stolen after he left it hanging out overnight.
Aug. 3 10:48 p.m. Someone reported a black bear roaming the neighborhood, but then said “I guess it doesn’t matter until someone gets eaten.”
Aug 8, 9:42 p.m. To express his displeasure at the neighbors’ chickens, a man sprayed bear spray across the backyard at the chicken coop.
Aug. 11, 11:13 a.m. Someone who was given a citation the previous evening wanted to tell a sergeant that the officer who gave out the citation was “respectful and super cool.”
Aug. 23, 9:27 p.m. A man was concerned his daughter was being held hostage in a class, but later learned he had gotten the time the class ended wrong by an hour.
Aug. 29, 6:15 p.m. After being struck by a vehicle, a raccoon passed away and its raccoon friend seemed “worked up.”
Sept. 5, 11:41 a.m. A man became increasingly agitated as he yelled at dispatch for taking his scissors.
Sept. 8, 1:50 p.m. A man called dispatch to report someone had stolen his pizza, but he successfully chased down the perpetrator, got his pie back, and wanted to press charges.
Sept. 19, 10:31 a.m. A man was chasing some geese on foot, but after failing to catch them got in his car and tried to run them over.
Sept. 19, 6:02 p.m. A man wearing nothing but fish net stockings and high heels was sitting in a truck at a local car dealership.
Sept. 21, 4:36 p.m. Some people were driving over curbs in a parking lot trying to lasso deer.
Sept. 22, 6:07 p.m. A woman requested an officer’s presence while she retrieved her taco sauce, clothing and a step stool from her ex-boyfriend’s house.
Sept. 28, 10:24 a.m. A man kept rambling on about God, Lady Gaga and combat.
Sept. 29, 4:09 p.m. A man sold a lamp for $800 and then bought some drugs.
Oct. 2, 3:49 p.m. Traffic was stalled due to a barbecue grill left in the middle of a road.
Oct. 3, 9:19 a.m. A teenager was freaking out because his parents told him to go to school.
Oct. 6, 7:36 p.m. As was his weekly routine, a neighbor got drunk, went outside and yelled at the neighborhood.
Oct. 12, 8:34 a.m. A paranoid couple was ready to defend their home with steak knives and bear spray.
Oct. 14, 6:49 p.m. A mom wanted to report the “skittle squad” that consists of kids using chalk to write and draw profanity all over the tennis courts.
Oct. 17, 9:02 a.m. Some teenagers were stacking picnic tables.
Oct. 21, 2:48 a.m. A man with a cold sore wanted a fire truck to cruise by his house to make sure it wasn’t on fire. It wasn’t.
Oct. 26. 8:25 p.m. A man called requesting that officers remove a woman from his property. When asked who she was, the man responded “your mom.”
Oct. 30, 9:57 p.m. An officer responding to a call about a bear found 12 deer, three cats and a raccoon, but no bear.
Nov. 2, 12:17 a.m. Someone reported that a woman was playing basketball, which at this time of night must be a gang-related activity.