I headed out to the backyard the other day to paint the squirrels. I’m none too happy with their presence in my yard, and I thought, maybe, that a coat of hunter orange or day-glow yellow would make them more visible to predators.
Then a headline stopped me in my tracks. Connecticut wildlife officials are urging the public to refrain from painting squirrels, after citizens noticed a pair — one pink, the other blue — sporting new dye jobs.
Painting wildlife, it turns out, is harmful to the critters’ well-being.
Of course, harming their well-being was my plan. I hoped the brightly colored rodents would attract the attention of neighborhood red-tailed or Cooper’s hawks. and they’d relieve me of the burden of a backyard nuisance.
Why the Connecticut squirrels were painted remains a mystery. The New York Post is on the search for the offending hairstylists, suggesting it may be related to a gender reveal party for a couple expecting twins — a girl and boy in this case.
If that’s the story, I hope authorities are able to make stick animal-cruelty charges as well as some penalty for furthering the race to the bottom by conceiving the most obnoxious gender-reveal gimmick. Painting squirrels certainly deserves consideration in the most obnoxious sweepstakes, but they’ll still likely need to start a forest fire to take the top prize.
I’m not a complete grump about gender reveals. Celebrating the impending arrival of additional family units is fine — have some friends over to enjoy a refreshing beverage or two and maybe something delicious cooked on the barbecue. Then spill the beans to your favorite people.
It’s the escalation of gender-reveal novelty that’s the problem. Wildfire pyrotechnics during drought. Coaxing an alligator into biting open a watermelon filled with blue Jello. Airplanes tailing “It’s a boy! banners as they crash into the sea, leaving no survivors.
Who wants to put that sort of tragedy hanging over the head of their still unborn child?
Back to painting squirrels. The truth is, I’d prefer I didn’t have squirrels in the yard, but I don’t feel all that strongly about it. They can be a nuisance, especially if I want to put a bird feeder out for more appealing feathered critters. But other than making a racket whenever the cat is outdoors, I rarely notice them.
If I have a problem with the squirrels, it’s the deluxe accommodations they’ve carved out of the trunk of the stately maple tree which is one of my yard’s most appealing features. I worry water could get inside and rot the trunk from within. It likely took the tree 70 years to grow to its present size, so if I need to replace it, that grandeur will be lost for my lifetime at least.
The main reason I’m thinking about painting squirrels is that I injured my shoulder and summer fly fishing is off limits.
My doctor did clear me to resume mowing, however, so that, and cleaning up the towering wall of weeds that sprouted during an especially rainy summer has been the bulk of my outdoor “fun” so far.
My pets join me when I’m in the yard. Those squirrels have the dog figured out. She likes to chase, but she’s not much of a threat.
The cat is a different matter. While she lacks the dog’s speed, she follows her prey up the tree. I’ve caught her a time or two testing out the entrance to that den in the maple (she doesn’t fit).
I’m not much for yard work, but it’s nice to be outside doing something and of course, the yard looks better when it’s freshly mowed. The steep bank at the back end of my lot also looks sharper with the weeds trimmed. I left the sunflowers, however. They look like the south of France towering over the yard and their seeds may compensate for my lack of a bird feeder.