Zoning Naked Sushi in Billings

By Beacon Staff

In Billings, nudity inquiries have sent city officials into a minor panic. You see, evidence suggests that someone plans to open an adult-oriented business downtown. In response, the council there quickly called a meeting to consider an emergency zoning ordinance. The problem is councilors don’t appear to know what they are zoning against: table settings, naked waitresses, sushi?

In a story penned by Billings Gazette staffer Matt Hagengruber, it’s clear that rumors swirling around that city have reached at least one councilor, who has heard that someone plans to open a restaurant with naked table settings, and more.

“What I heard was a sushi bar or something,” Councilman Jim Ronquillo told the newspaper. “These women will lie down and they’ll put the food down and you pick the food off of them.”

That sounds, at the very least, unsanitary. But, in actuality, the practice of plucking sushi off naked bodes is quickly growing in popularity. Billings, of all places, is being targeted by the urban chic. And city officials say someone there had hoped to execute its sinister plan by sidestepping the city’s code barring sexually oriented businesses by not serving alcohol.

Gazette readers have logged dozens of entertaining comments on the story, a few arguing that a bored prankster is jerking about the council. More suggest the council stop moonlighting as moral police. And plenty of others reflect this reader’s opinion: “Nude sushi. Brilliant!”

Whatever the business owner hoped to open may never be known. It’s apparent that the council there will thwart any attempts to combine sushi and nudity. And that’s probably a good thing. Like Ronquillo told the the Gazette, “I like people to serve me with their clothes on. That way, I know what I’ve got.” Or something like that.