When we recently returned to Montana for a few days, several people wanted to know how my autobiography was progressing: in short, I have had a friend and co-author, Mort Lund, working with me for 26 months and we are already up to my age of 24. In my spare time, I have drawn about 50 cartoons about the game and mystery of golf. My working title for this project is “Life is Too Short to Learn How to Play Golf.” I have been studying the history of golf and been trying to answer some of the mysteries, and these are the subjects I think should be covered.
“Why are there 18 holes to a game of golf?”
Eighteen holes is a seemingly arbitrary number of very frustrating, four-inch diameter holes that are awkwardly located on expensive acres of green grass. Why there are 18 holes instead of 21 or 19 has been the subject of much speculation for years. Recently the real reason for 18 holes was unearthed when a story that had been handed down for generations was deciphered by a Scottish golf writer. The complete explanation was revealed when a 300-year-old, empty bottle of scotch was found with a note in it, in the basement of a potato and root cellar in Scotland.
In the beginning, whoever hit the golf ball the fewest times to get it to the next hole, got to drink a jigger of Scotch. There are 18 jiggers of Scotch in a bottle and when they ran out of Scotch, the game was over. Today, people still play 18 holes and the hope is that all parties win some of the Scotch jiggers so there isn’t anyone driving home a bit tipsy.
“Golf was invented by a group of men wearing skirts and who think that music comes out of a bagpipe.”
The invention of knickers is another mystery. All of the MacTavish family was proud of their tartan and always wore their kilts with their long socks when playing golf. On many weekends, the patriarch of the clan would return home very, very cold under his kilt from the cold wind blowing off the ocean. His wife, concerned about him, took charge of the situation and sewed two-thirds of the bottom of one of his kilts together leaving him two holes for his legs. Before long, his buddies had all asked their wives to do the same, though there were many snickers among other players and those in the gallery. The many snickers are where the name knickers came from.
“Flattery is the drug of choice for golfers.”
My friend, Tom Weiskopf, says to quit worrying about your score. There are 27 million golfers in America and only 5 percent of them will ever break 100. Only 2 percent of that 5 percent will ever break 80, and the golf course will win every time. My way of scoring my own golf games now consists of counting how many golf balls I lose. Much easier to keep track…
“Everyone lies about their golf score, but it doesn’t matter because no one listens.”
Par is a mysterious number that originates immediately after a new golf course is built. It is the score that is set by some touring professional golfers who have won at least four or five major tournaments, get a free weekend at the club, and come up with a nearly impossible low score hardley anyone else can attain. Only one out of approximately 1,879 people who play the particular course in question will ever manage to reach that arbitrary number called par.
“If I live to be old enough to beat my age, I will have to live to be 134. My wife says she isn’t hanging around to change my diapers!”
And my favorite: “The Ten Commandments said nothing about golf.”